Festive Holiday Dining Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry,January is just around the corner.

Massacre At The OK Food Store

so i decided to go buy some chips and various grocery items this weekend. first, it took me 15 minutes to find my car keys. WHO THE F#%& KEEPS HIDING MY KEYS??? a very interesting question since i live alone. it must be the dogs. AHA!!! i find the keys in the front door lock right where i left them. lucky for me there are no serial killers around checking out doors with keys in them.

so i drive to the "OK Food Store" and i'm thinking "why is it just OK?" "where are they keeping the SUPER TERRIFIC Food Store?" must be some government plot to keep me from getting the freshest fruits and vegetables. i get in the store and of course it never fails that i get the cart with the wobbly squeaky wheel. it wouldn't bother me so much, but everyone looks at me like it's my fault that this whiney noise is happening. i've decided to mask the attention the sound is getting by farting everytime someone looks at me with distain because of the squeaky wheel. that will teach 'em.

did i mention my favorite parts of the store are the product displays that are stacked really abnormally high and seem to make the game jenga look way too easy when compared to trying to remove something from the towering store death displays?

i really need one of those three liter bottles of coke. i mean REAAAALLLY need it. so i'm looking up at this display which has been shaped into a twelve foot pyramid of coke. quite artful and yet delicately poised to take out the first old gray-haired lady who dares to touch it. should i try? well, like i said, i REAAAALLLY need this and i'm not letting the wall of death stop me. so like a trained structural engineer i walk around the display looking for the perfect bottle, the one that doesn't seem to be supporting much weight. this one? no, it appears to be a load bearing bottle. hmmm... i think i've found one. i slowly and gently pull out one of the bottles. the pyramid stands still. with one last tiny tug the bottle is free! i feel like dancing around. i hold my coke bottle high in the air and do a victory dance! some woman stops to watch me... and then.... we both notice it at the same time. a bottle slowly moves as if by it's own power and seems to LEAP out of the stack of death!!! ALL THE BOTTLES START CRASHING DOWN!!! FIZZY SPRAY IS GOING EVERYWHERE!!! BOTTLES ARE BOUNCING WILLY NILLY!!! THE LADY AND I DUCK FOR COVER!!! and as the last bottle falls, she looks at me and says, "Well, somebody needs to clean that up." I stared at her with my mouth open, thought about how close we came to death... then i composed myself and held my head up high, grabbed my squeaky buggy, farted and walked off.