Santa's Rabid Elf

Years ago I took my niece to see Santa at the mall. Oh the wonder of the holiday! There were tiny snotty nosed children everywhere! Followed by their tired mothers who after a day of shopping and dragging their tiny tots around seriously needed a xanax and vodka chaser.

We stood in line to see Santa for about thirty minutes, which in "kid time" is two years. During this time we managed to see one child swinging from a giant plastic reindeer tail. Plastic is NOT a durable alloy and eventually the tail broke and the child was flung into the line of patiently waiting children. The kid wouldn't stop crying, his mother grabbed him by the hand and left the line. One down... 15 more to go. We were getting closer to Santa.

Later, an adorable set of twins was handed over to Santa. How precious! Until they realized a crazed man with a long white beard was now holding them. I still have nightmares where I hear sirens wailing loudly chasing me through a mall. Santa promptly handed them back. Two more down... we're just a few feet away from Santa!

Tommy was next. I have no idea who Tommy was, but everyone in line knew his name because he was constantly jumping around, flicking the other kids and whining. His mother had repeated his name so much we were all starting to join in... "Stop kicking the tree Tommy" "Stop biting her Tommy" "Don't eat that Tommy". We were all growing tired of Tommy.

So it was Tommy's turn on Santa's lap. Tommy sat down and immediately started pulling Santa's beard. "What do you want for Christmas?" Santa smiled and said as he removed Tommy's sticky fingers from his beard. Tommy wasn't paying attention, he turned to the Elf, which in this case was a small person (you know I love midget stories). "Why is he so short?" Tommy yelled. Santa tried to distract Tommy and asked "Would you like a toy car?" Tommy was still interested in the Elf "MOMMY! What's wrong with him? He looks funny!" Tommy's embarrassed mother tried to hurry him along, "Please tell Santa what you want dear."

What none of us noticed during this time was that the "Elf's" face was slowly getting redder as he became more angry at Tommy, who was probably one of the many children who had annoyed the Elf that week. All of a sudden the Elf sprung over Santa's chair and landed on top of Tommy slapping and spitting as he cursed at the top of his lungs. Santa fell out of his chair. Tommy's mother managed to get him away from the rabid Elf and mall security showed up. The Elf was taken off in hand cuffs. We found out later he was on work release from the local jail and had just recently completed his "anger management" classes.

So if you take your kids to the mall and you see an Elf there with a special twinkle in his eye, just remember that the twinkle may not be Christmas cheer, it may be the twinkle of a mentally unstable Elf who had too many rum and cokes at lunch.

Happy Holidays!

I Can't Feel My Feet

Last week, it was 80 degrees here. This week we have highs in the 40's and lows in the 20's. There should be no place on earth that this occurs naturally unless there's a plague or an atomic bomb has altered the weather.

One day I'm wearing flip-flops, the air conditioning is on and the chocolate I left in my car is melting and the next day... WHAT?! Where is my coat and why isn't the heat working? If you've ever seen the "Rankin Bass" Christmas show that has the "Heat Miser" *Sunnee sings "I'm Mr. Heat Miser... I'm Mr. Sun... something something one hundred and one* I'm pretty sure he's behind this weather!

Yes, it's either the Heat Miser, Satan or the guy who invented cell phone batteries that get hot after you've been holding the phone to your head for a while.