Massacre At The OK Food Store

so i decided to go buy some chips and various grocery items this weekend. first, it took me 15 minutes to find my car keys. WHO THE F#%& KEEPS HIDING MY KEYS??? a very interesting question since i live alone. it must be the dogs. AHA!!! i find the keys in the front door lock right where i left them. lucky for me there are no serial killers around checking out doors with keys in them.

so i drive to the "OK Food Store" and i'm thinking "why is it just OK?" "where are they keeping the SUPER TERRIFIC Food Store?" must be some government plot to keep me from getting the freshest fruits and vegetables. i get in the store and of course it never fails that i get the cart with the wobbly squeaky wheel. it wouldn't bother me so much, but everyone looks at me like it's my fault that this whiney noise is happening. i've decided to mask the attention the sound is getting by farting everytime someone looks at me with distain because of the squeaky wheel. that will teach 'em.

did i mention my favorite parts of the store are the product displays that are stacked really abnormally high and seem to make the game jenga look way too easy when compared to trying to remove something from the towering store death displays?

i really need one of those three liter bottles of coke. i mean REAAAALLLY need it. so i'm looking up at this display which has been shaped into a twelve foot pyramid of coke. quite artful and yet delicately poised to take out the first old gray-haired lady who dares to touch it. should i try? well, like i said, i REAAAALLLY need this and i'm not letting the wall of death stop me. so like a trained structural engineer i walk around the display looking for the perfect bottle, the one that doesn't seem to be supporting much weight. this one? no, it appears to be a load bearing bottle. hmmm... i think i've found one. i slowly and gently pull out one of the bottles. the pyramid stands still. with one last tiny tug the bottle is free! i feel like dancing around. i hold my coke bottle high in the air and do a victory dance! some woman stops to watch me... and then.... we both notice it at the same time. a bottle slowly moves as if by it's own power and seems to LEAP out of the stack of death!!! ALL THE BOTTLES START CRASHING DOWN!!! FIZZY SPRAY IS GOING EVERYWHERE!!! BOTTLES ARE BOUNCING WILLY NILLY!!! THE LADY AND I DUCK FOR COVER!!! and as the last bottle falls, she looks at me and says, "Well, somebody needs to clean that up." I stared at her with my mouth open, thought about how close we came to death... then i composed myself and held my head up high, grabbed my squeaky buggy, farted and walked off.