My Latest Inventions!

I have invented "smoking gloves" for cold weather. They are flame proof and you can hold a cigarette in them without it burning the fabric AND they have those warmers in them like hunting gloves! AND on the back of the glove is a place to hold your lighter!! NO WAIT! There is a built in lighter!!! AND a cigarette dispenser!!! AND you can shoot pepper spray out of your finger tips in case someone tries to rob you while you are outside smoking!!! They are AWESOME!!!

Next week's invention…. toilet paper with Chinese throwing stars for public restrooms.

Now Take a Deep Breath...

Dear fellow people with allergy problems who like "natural" cures for things:

I am sick. No, I am dying. I have a terrible sinus problem that has been going on since Thanksgiving. I went through antibiotics and was getting better and then WHAM!!! it came back with a vengence.

I can't use most over the counter medicines for congestion because they make my blood pressure go sky high, so I have been suffering through this. But today was a particularly bad "I'm dying" day so I went in search of medication.

I looked on the internet to see which drugs I definitely needed to avoid buying. I learned that using a nasal spray doesn't effect the blood pressure like an oral medication would. But, wouldn't you know it? The most common drug used in nasal sprays is the worst one for blood pressure. Geez… either I have to die from lack of oxygen or a stroke. What great choices.

So I went to the pharamacy where I proceeded to read the back of the carton for every nasal spray they had. They all had stuff I couldn't take. Then just as I was about to give up, there on the shelf, sitting slightly away from the other medications was "Sinol". What's this? I wondered, and as if Heaven had opened up a ray of light shone down upon the box and it beckoned to me in a voice as smooth as silk, "Come, try me." I picked up the carton and read the ingredients. No bad drugs. All natural. Relieves sinus congestion. I had found my cure! Ahhh…ahhh. ahhh… the angels voices sang. So I purchased the golden magic and left the store.

I got into my car, and still in a state of dying I decided to try my new found cure right then and there. I ripped the lid off the box. Yes, I mean seriously ripping the box apart like a wild animal going after something. I held up the bottle and smiled. Here it was, THE CURE!!!

The instructions said to shake the bottle well and then spray the fine mist into my nose and take a long slow breathe to bring the medication into the nasal cavities. I shook the bottle and sprayed my first dose of what I expected to be the giver of life and breathe itself. I breathed deeply and waited. And then it happened… if my nose could have erupted in flames it would have!!! What the heck? MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! There was nothing I could do as the tears rolled down my face and the stinging and burning pierced through my nose like Satan's pitchfork roasting marshmallows in Hell.

I sat there for a while as the feeling went away and cursed the people of Sinol and their devil-spray. But then, all of a sudden I realized I could breathe. I haven't been able to breathe through my nose in days. What's that saying "No pain, no gain"? I think this stuff is the reason behind the saying.

In all fairness, it does say on the box that you will experience the burning sensation when you first use the product and it gets better over time.

When I got back to my office I looked up the main ingredient in the nose spray, which is "capsicum". It's a naturally occuring chemical in chile peppers. It's also what "PEPPER SPRAY" is made of.

The lesson learned here… if I am ever robbed in a parking lot, I'm going to use my nose spray as a weapon!!

He will never know what hit him.

Sinol Ingredients:
· Aloe Vera Extract - helps relieve pain and soothes skin inflammation
· Eucalyptus Oil - eases nasal congestion
· Rosemary Extract - preserves and kills bacteria
· Sea Salt - cleanses and helps drain your sinuses
· Ascorbic Acid (vitamin C) - helps fight infection and promote healing
· Capsicum 4x - desensitizes the sensory neurons, dilates constricting blood vessels and aids in pain control.

My note - It also relieves headaches and makes small children explode.

And Miles To Go Before I Sleep... And Miles To Go Before I Sleep

Sleep is a wonderful thing. It re-energizes the body, it lets our brain do magical things that even our greatest scientists cannot fully explain, and it just plain feels good.

How many mornings have you woken up on a weekend thinking dazily, “It’s Saturday!” and then drifted back off to a happy slumber. Don’t even get me started on the “snooze button”. The “five more minutes” that can turn into 30 minutes have to be the most coveted time we will ever spend in our lives. We crave sleep and even when we try to ignore the body signals that tell us we really need to go to bed, eventually our bodies shut down in a “Who’s your daddy?!” smackdown to make us sleep.

But, insomnia on the other hand… Good… God… Make… It… Stop!!! There is only so many hour long television infomercials I can take late at night. They are on almost every channel. Who are the insomniacs who are thinking at 4:30 in the morning “I’ve got to get one of those “butt-clenching-ab-rolling-juicer-food processors” NOW!”

I can’t quite figure out who the target audience is at this time of the night. Do the advertisers think we are all sitting by the phones with our credit cards in hand just hoping to have another human to talk to in the middle of the night?

Wait... that kind of explains the sex chat lines, okay, well those guys found their target audience. Kudos to you sex hot line people. You rock. But can we skip the sex and just be friends? Maybe we could talk about shopping and cute guys until I fall asleep?

What's In A Name?

Jill! Jill! I heard the woman’s voice calling over and over. I continued walking down the street, not looking back.

Jill! OH JILL!!! She was getting louder and I could tell she was only a few feet behind me as I spun around to see who this crazed lady was. I half expected her to brush past me to rush on to her friend who was obviously somewhere further down the sidewalk.

JILLLL!!! We practically were nose to nose when I turned sharply to give her the evil “what the @$#& are you doing?” look. She smiled and soothed a stray hair into place. “How are you? I haven’t seen you in so long!” She was speaking directly to me. Who was this? Apparently, she had mistaken me for someone she knew, but she went on like she had known me forever.

My mind raced trying to recognize the face. Do I know her? Why is she calling me Jill? “I’m afraid you have the wrong person, my name is Ann.” I lied. “Jilllllll…” she lingered on the name like it was the last bite of chocolate cake at a Weight Watcher’s meeting. “Silly girl! It’s Judy. Judy Benton. You know from the gym.” I was still lost. I haven’t been to the gym in about 6 months.

Without stopping, she launched into all the gossip she knew about all the people we supposedly had in common. This one got married, that one got divorced, someone had triplets, and Barbara’s daughter was still on drugs even though everyone thinks she is pregnant. WTH? It had been a long day and I really didn’t feel like arguing the fact that I had never seen her before. I nodded politely and managed a slight smile.

She eventually ran out of gossip and declared that she simply must finish shopping before her husband gets home, “because you know how he is Jilly”. “Don’t call me Jill” Once again, I tried to explain it wasn’t my name. With a whirlwind of shopping bags and a cloud of some inexpensive perfume, she continued on down the street, but not without saying “we should get together for lunch some time”.

I felt as though I had been hit and dragged by a train that you only run from in your dreams late at night. I stood there numbly and started to walk away. Then it occurred to me, next time this happens I should be prepared. I stopped in a novelty shop, bought a can of “silly string” and armed myself for the next unwanted stranger confrontation.

So if you are ever driving down the street and see someone laughing crazily and shooting silly string all over a complete stranger who is staring at them in horror… that would be me. Jill, Ann, Lucy… whatever they call me.

But what’s in a name?

George Bush and Dog The Bounty Hunter

Everyone is making reality shows now. Here's my version of a reality show I would like to see...

George Bush is voluntarily smuggled in a truck across the border into Mexico to hide from the Democrats. The Dixie Chicks try to get in the truck until they see George Bush leaving America. Along with him are other rich Americans who are evading taxes, or hiding for white collar crimes. Willie Nelson is there because the IRS is still watching him. Donald Trump is in the truck because he wants to buy Tijuana to turn it into the “Trump Tijuana Plaza”. Dick Cheney wanders by in the background dressed in camouflage carrying a hunting rifle. President Fox, of Mexico, is there to greet the newcomers as they exit the truck. All of a sudden, Dog the Bounty Hunter shows up to take Bush back to America because the Democrats and Republicans agreed to bring Bush back. The Democrats because they want him tried for war crimes and the Republicans because they cannot find Dick Cheney and no one wants Nancy Pelosi to be president. The scene ends with Dog the Bounty Hunter hauling Bush back to America in a pickup truck with a bumper sticker that says “America – The border works both ways”.

Now that's good television!

Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land

Call me sick, but this made me laugh...

Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land
February 15, 2006 Issue 42•07 The Onion

GAINESVILLE, FL—Although dolphins have long been celebrated for their high intelligence and for appearing to have a complex language, a team of researchers at the University of Florida reported Monday that these traits are markedly less evident on dry land.

According to study researchers, a group of 25 bottlenose dolphins removed from their holding tanks failed 11 exercises designed to test their basic cognitive abilities and reasoning skills.

"The dolphins were incapable of recognizing and repeating simple gestures," said study co-author Dr. Scott Lindell. "Their non-verbal communications were limited to a rapid constriction and expansion of the blowhole, various incomprehensible fin motions, and heavy tremors while they lay prone on the lab table."

After capturing the dolphins from the ocean, Lindell and his colleagues tagged them and placed them under the intense, high-wattage lights of a moisture-proof lab. The researchers then administered an extensive battery of tests designed to measure everything from the dolphins' self-awareness to their aptitude for writing and reading comprehension.

"Dolphins have a popular reputation for being excellent communicators," Lindell said. "But our study group offered only three types of response to every question we posed: a nonsensical, labored wheezing, an earsplitting barrage of unintelligible high-pitched shrieks, and in extreme cases, a shrill, distressed scream."

Even the dolphins' proven ability to navigate through a form of sonar called echolocation was ineffective on land.

"The military has claimed great success in training these mammals, utilizing their echolocation skills to detect mines that have been placed underwater," said Lindell, who conducted a similar experiment in a concrete parking lot. "We were unable to replicate this finding ourselves."
Lindell added: "In most cases, the dolphins succeeded in finding land mines only when we placed them directly on top of the mines."

A dolphin performs poorly in a University of Florida land-based locomotion test.
In another test, several pounds of mackerel were placed on the ground, separated from the test dolphins by only 20 feet of concrete. The dolphins were unable to reach the food and feed themselves.

Despite their failures in the initial series of tests, the animals were given further opportunities to demonstrate their intelligence on land. The dolphins were unable to display novel behaviors, use a map to pinpoint their location on campus (spatial reasoning), or complete a simple obstacle course and wall climb.

"Their learning curve was actually negative," Lindell said. "The more time we gave them to complete basic land-based tests, the more pitiful their efforts became, with many of them opting to bask in the sun rather than perform a simple task."

"In some cases," Lindell added, "the dolphins appeared to be looking directly into our eyes, as if pleading with us to help them perform better in these tests."

Many scientists believe these findings may help to explain why dolphins, for all their vaunted intelligence, have never developed technology or agriculture, or harnessed the power of fire—skills still exclusively in the domain of Homo sapiens.

Said Lindell: "Their failure is a great disappointment to all of us who once felt an intelligence-based kinship with these majestic animals."

Santa's Rabid Elf

Years ago I took my niece to see Santa at the mall. Oh the wonder of the holiday! There were tiny snotty nosed children everywhere! Followed by their tired mothers who after a day of shopping and dragging their tiny tots around seriously needed a xanax and vodka chaser.

We stood in line to see Santa for about thirty minutes, which in "kid time" is two years. During this time we managed to see one child swinging from a giant plastic reindeer tail. Plastic is NOT a durable alloy and eventually the tail broke and the child was flung into the line of patiently waiting children. The kid wouldn't stop crying, his mother grabbed him by the hand and left the line. One down... 15 more to go. We were getting closer to Santa.

Later, an adorable set of twins was handed over to Santa. How precious! Until they realized a crazed man with a long white beard was now holding them. I still have nightmares where I hear sirens wailing loudly chasing me through a mall. Santa promptly handed them back. Two more down... we're just a few feet away from Santa!

Tommy was next. I have no idea who Tommy was, but everyone in line knew his name because he was constantly jumping around, flicking the other kids and whining. His mother had repeated his name so much we were all starting to join in... "Stop kicking the tree Tommy" "Stop biting her Tommy" "Don't eat that Tommy". We were all growing tired of Tommy.

So it was Tommy's turn on Santa's lap. Tommy sat down and immediately started pulling Santa's beard. "What do you want for Christmas?" Santa smiled and said as he removed Tommy's sticky fingers from his beard. Tommy wasn't paying attention, he turned to the Elf, which in this case was a small person (you know I love midget stories). "Why is he so short?" Tommy yelled. Santa tried to distract Tommy and asked "Would you like a toy car?" Tommy was still interested in the Elf "MOMMY! What's wrong with him? He looks funny!" Tommy's embarrassed mother tried to hurry him along, "Please tell Santa what you want dear."

What none of us noticed during this time was that the "Elf's" face was slowly getting redder as he became more angry at Tommy, who was probably one of the many children who had annoyed the Elf that week. All of a sudden the Elf sprung over Santa's chair and landed on top of Tommy slapping and spitting as he cursed at the top of his lungs. Santa fell out of his chair. Tommy's mother managed to get him away from the rabid Elf and mall security showed up. The Elf was taken off in hand cuffs. We found out later he was on work release from the local jail and had just recently completed his "anger management" classes.

So if you take your kids to the mall and you see an Elf there with a special twinkle in his eye, just remember that the twinkle may not be Christmas cheer, it may be the twinkle of a mentally unstable Elf who had too many rum and cokes at lunch.

Happy Holidays!