Suzie Hurley Can't Dance

When I was younger I had a friend named Suzie Hurley. Suzie was one of those kids that you could never pick out on a crowded playground. She had mousy brown hair and a little nose that was actually cute, but that fact tended to be lost in the averageness that was Suzie.

When Suzie was four she was run over by a group of older boys who had a "big wheel" gang. They would line their big wheels up at the top of the hill on Cypress Street and race each other downhill at blazing speeds (that is, in official big wheel speed about 5 mph) and all come to a grinding halt at the bottom of the hill. One day Suzie decided to tempt fate and crossed the street just as the boys were hitting maximum velocity. Any of you who have owned big wheels know that there is no emergency brake on the vehicle (although that fancy hand brake thingy is great for spinouts!). Poor Suzie, she was literally flung into the air by Buster Willis and his boss big wheel. As she lay in the street bleeding from the scratches sustained in the accident, the boys walked past her back up the hill to start another race. No one said anything to Suzie. I don't think they ever saw her. She basically spent her entire childhood like this. Invisible.

Many years passed and with a sound of trumpets the boobie fairy arrived! Suddenly Suzie was blessed with much boobatude. The rest of us were stuffing our bras and envious of Suzie and the attention the boys were giving her now. The invisible girl was now becoming the school slut. People whispered low to each other about Suzie's time spent behind the bleachers and how she snuck out at night to meet the older boys. Suzie was extremely popular and we were all a little sad that we were "second choice".

My friend Janie always had a way of putting things into perspective. She said, "Sure, Suzie is popular with the boys, but Suzie Hurley can't dance." I didn't quite understand what she was saying. "What?", I asked. "Suzie Hurley can't dance.", she repeated. Then explained, "Anybody can have sex, it's not that difficult, but how many people do you know that can really dance?" Janie had won a dance competition recently and was still basking in the glow of triumph. For some reason this logic struck me as funny, but deep. Even as an adult I still think of all the Suzie Hurleys in this world and how just because someone seems to have something you want, maybe there's something you can do that's even better. We all have something that makes us special. So any time you feel down about yourself, just remember that you probably have something that someone else secretly wants, and don't forget, "Suzie Hurley can't dance".

P.S. Janie became a professional hooker later on in life. Apparently, just being a better dancer than Suzie wasn't enough, she had to be better slut too.