sunneeday

My Latest Inventions!

2009-02-02T14:01:00.002-06:00

I have invented "smoking gloves" for cold weather. They are flame proof and you can hold a cigarette in them without it burning the fabric AND they have those warmers in them like hunting gloves! AND on the back of the glove is a place to hold your lighter!! NO WAIT! There is a built in lighter!!! AND a cigarette dispenser!!! AND you can shoot pepper spray out of your finger tips in case someone tries to rob you while you are outside smoking!!! They are AWESOME!!!

Next week's invention…. toilet paper with Chinese throwing stars for public restrooms.

Now Take a Deep Breath...

2008-12-11T14:00:00.003-06:00

Dear fellow people with allergy problems who like "natural" cures for things:

I am sick. No, I am dying. I have a terrible sinus problem that has been going on since Thanksgiving. I went through antibiotics and was getting better and then WHAM!!! it came back with a vengence.

I can't use most over the counter medicines for congestion because they make my blood pressure go sky high, so I have been suffering through this. But today was a particularly bad "I'm dying" day so I went in search of medication.

I looked on the internet to see which drugs I definitely needed to avoid buying. I learned that using a nasal spray doesn't effect the blood pressure like an oral medication would. But, wouldn't you know it? The most common drug used in nasal sprays is the worst one for blood pressure. Geez… either I have to die from lack of oxygen or a stroke. What great choices.

So I went to the pharamacy where I proceeded to read the back of the carton for every nasal spray they had. They all had stuff I couldn't take. Then just as I was about to give up, there on the shelf, sitting slightly away from the other medications was "Sinol". What's this? I wondered, and as if Heaven had opened up a ray of light shone down upon the box and it beckoned to me in a voice as smooth as silk, "Come, try me." I picked up the carton and read the ingredients. No bad drugs. All natural. Relieves sinus congestion. I had found my cure! Ahhh…ahhh. ahhh… the angels voices sang. So I purchased the golden magic and left the store.

I got into my car, and still in a state of dying I decided to try my new found cure right then and there. I ripped the lid off the box. Yes, I mean seriously ripping the box apart like a wild animal going after something. I held up the bottle and smiled. Here it was, THE CURE!!!

The instructions said to shake the bottle well and then spray the fine mist into my nose and take a long slow breathe to bring the medication into the nasal cavities. I shook the bottle and sprayed my first dose of what I expected to be the giver of life and breathe itself. I breathed deeply and waited. And then it happened… if my nose could have erupted in flames it would have!!! What the heck? MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! There was nothing I could do as the tears rolled down my face and the stinging and burning pierced through my nose like Satan's pitchfork roasting marshmallows in Hell.

I sat there for a while as the feeling went away and cursed the people of Sinol and their devil-spray. But then, all of a sudden I realized I could breathe. I haven't been able to breathe through my nose in days. What's that saying "No pain, no gain"? I think this stuff is the reason behind the saying.

In all fairness, it does say on the box that you will experience the burning sensation when you first use the product and it gets better over time.

When I got back to my office I looked up the main ingredient in the nose spray, which is "capsicum". It's a naturally occuring chemical in chile peppers. It's also what "PEPPER SPRAY" is made of.

The lesson learned here… if I am ever robbed in a parking lot, I'm going to use my nose spray as a weapon!!

He will never know what hit him.

Sinol Ingredients:
· Aloe Vera Extract - helps relieve pain and soothes skin inflammation
· Eucalyptus Oil - eases nasal congestion
· Rosemary Extract - preserves and kills bacteria
· Sea Salt - cleanses and helps drain your sinuses
· Ascorbic Acid (vitamin C) - helps fight infection and promote healing
· Capsicum 4x - desensitizes the sensory neurons, dilates constricting blood vessels and aids in pain control.

My note - It also relieves headaches and makes small children explode.

And Miles To Go Before I Sleep... And Miles To Go Before I Sleep

2007-07-26T16:12:00.001-05:00

Sleep is a wonderful thing. It re-energizes the body, it lets our brain do magical things that even our greatest scientists cannot fully explain, and it just plain feels good.

How many mornings have you woken up on a weekend thinking dazily, “It’s Saturday!” and then drifted back off to a happy slumber. Don’t even get me started on the “snooze button”. The “five more minutes” that can turn into 30 minutes have to be the most coveted time we will ever spend in our lives. We crave sleep and even when we try to ignore the body signals that tell us we really need to go to bed, eventually our bodies shut down in a “Who’s your daddy?!” smackdown to make us sleep.

But, insomnia on the other hand… Good… God… Make… It… Stop!!! There is only so many hour long television infomercials I can take late at night. They are on almost every channel. Who are the insomniacs who are thinking at 4:30 in the morning “I’ve got to get one of those “butt-clenching-ab-rolling-juicer-food processors” NOW!”

I can’t quite figure out who the target audience is at this time of the night. Do the advertisers think we are all sitting by the phones with our credit cards in hand just hoping to have another human to talk to in the middle of the night?

Wait... that kind of explains the sex chat lines, okay, well those guys found their target audience. Kudos to you sex hot line people. You rock. But can we skip the sex and just be friends? Maybe we could talk about shopping and cute guys until I fall asleep?

What's In A Name?

2007-06-07T15:44:00.000-05:00

Jill! Jill! I heard the woman’s voice calling over and over. I continued walking down the street, not looking back.

Jill! OH JILL!!! She was getting louder and I could tell she was only a few feet behind me as I spun around to see who this crazed lady was. I half expected her to brush past me to rush on to her friend who was obviously somewhere further down the sidewalk.

JILLLL!!! We practically were nose to nose when I turned sharply to give her the evil “what the @$#& are you doing?” look. She smiled and soothed a stray hair into place. “How are you? I haven’t seen you in so long!” She was speaking directly to me. Who was this? Apparently, she had mistaken me for someone she knew, but she went on like she had known me forever.

My mind raced trying to recognize the face. Do I know her? Why is she calling me Jill? “I’m afraid you have the wrong person, my name is Ann.” I lied. “Jilllllll…” she lingered on the name like it was the last bite of chocolate cake at a Weight Watcher’s meeting. “Silly girl! It’s Judy. Judy Benton. You know from the gym.” I was still lost. I haven’t been to the gym in about 6 months.

Without stopping, she launched into all the gossip she knew about all the people we supposedly had in common. This one got married, that one got divorced, someone had triplets, and Barbara’s daughter was still on drugs even though everyone thinks she is pregnant. WTH? It had been a long day and I really didn’t feel like arguing the fact that I had never seen her before. I nodded politely and managed a slight smile.

She eventually ran out of gossip and declared that she simply must finish shopping before her husband gets home, “because you know how he is Jilly”. “Don’t call me Jill” Once again, I tried to explain it wasn’t my name. With a whirlwind of shopping bags and a cloud of some inexpensive perfume, she continued on down the street, but not without saying “we should get together for lunch some time”.

I felt as though I had been hit and dragged by a train that you only run from in your dreams late at night. I stood there numbly and started to walk away. Then it occurred to me, next time this happens I should be prepared. I stopped in a novelty shop, bought a can of “silly string” and armed myself for the next unwanted stranger confrontation.

So if you are ever driving down the street and see someone laughing crazily and shooting silly string all over a complete stranger who is staring at them in horror… that would be me. Jill, Ann, Lucy… whatever they call me.

But what’s in a name?

George Bush and Dog The Bounty Hunter

2007-05-22T13:35:00.000-05:00

Everyone is making reality shows now. Here's my version of a reality show I would like to see...

George Bush is voluntarily smuggled in a truck across the border into Mexico to hide from the Democrats. The Dixie Chicks try to get in the truck until they see George Bush leaving America. Along with him are other rich Americans who are evading taxes, or hiding for white collar crimes. Willie Nelson is there because the IRS is still watching him. Donald Trump is in the truck because he wants to buy Tijuana to turn it into the “Trump Tijuana Plaza”. Dick Cheney wanders by in the background dressed in camouflage carrying a hunting rifle. President Fox, of Mexico, is there to greet the newcomers as they exit the truck. All of a sudden, Dog the Bounty Hunter shows up to take Bush back to America because the Democrats and Republicans agreed to bring Bush back. The Democrats because they want him tried for war crimes and the Republicans because they cannot find Dick Cheney and no one wants Nancy Pelosi to be president. The scene ends with Dog the Bounty Hunter hauling Bush back to America in a pickup truck with a bumper sticker that says “America – The border works both ways”.

Now that's good television!

Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land

2006-05-19T17:09:00.000-05:00

Call me sick, but this made me laugh...

Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land
February 15, 2006 Issue 42•07 The Onion

GAINESVILLE, FL—Although dolphins have long been celebrated for their high intelligence and for appearing to have a complex language, a team of researchers at the University of Florida reported Monday that these traits are markedly less evident on dry land.

According to study researchers, a group of 25 bottlenose dolphins removed from their holding tanks failed 11 exercises designed to test their basic cognitive abilities and reasoning skills.

"The dolphins were incapable of recognizing and repeating simple gestures," said study co-author Dr. Scott Lindell. "Their non-verbal communications were limited to a rapid constriction and expansion of the blowhole, various incomprehensible fin motions, and heavy tremors while they lay prone on the lab table."

After capturing the dolphins from the ocean, Lindell and his colleagues tagged them and placed them under the intense, high-wattage lights of a moisture-proof lab. The researchers then administered an extensive battery of tests designed to measure everything from the dolphins' self-awareness to their aptitude for writing and reading comprehension.

"Dolphins have a popular reputation for being excellent communicators," Lindell said. "But our study group offered only three types of response to every question we posed: a nonsensical, labored wheezing, an earsplitting barrage of unintelligible high-pitched shrieks, and in extreme cases, a shrill, distressed scream."

Even the dolphins' proven ability to navigate through a form of sonar called echolocation was ineffective on land.

"The military has claimed great success in training these mammals, utilizing their echolocation skills to detect mines that have been placed underwater," said Lindell, who conducted a similar experiment in a concrete parking lot. "We were unable to replicate this finding ourselves."
Lindell added: "In most cases, the dolphins succeeded in finding land mines only when we placed them directly on top of the mines."

A dolphin performs poorly in a University of Florida land-based locomotion test.
In another test, several pounds of mackerel were placed on the ground, separated from the test dolphins by only 20 feet of concrete. The dolphins were unable to reach the food and feed themselves.

Despite their failures in the initial series of tests, the animals were given further opportunities to demonstrate their intelligence on land. The dolphins were unable to display novel behaviors, use a map to pinpoint their location on campus (spatial reasoning), or complete a simple obstacle course and wall climb.

"Their learning curve was actually negative," Lindell said. "The more time we gave them to complete basic land-based tests, the more pitiful their efforts became, with many of them opting to bask in the sun rather than perform a simple task."

"In some cases," Lindell added, "the dolphins appeared to be looking directly into our eyes, as if pleading with us to help them perform better in these tests."

Many scientists believe these findings may help to explain why dolphins, for all their vaunted intelligence, have never developed technology or agriculture, or harnessed the power of fire—skills still exclusively in the domain of Homo sapiens.

Said Lindell: "Their failure is a great disappointment to all of us who once felt an intelligence-based kinship with these majestic animals."

Santa's Rabid Elf

2005-11-28T18:03:00.000-06:00

Years ago I took my niece to see Santa at the mall. Oh the wonder of the holiday! There were tiny snotty nosed children everywhere! Followed by their tired mothers who after a day of shopping and dragging their tiny tots around seriously needed a xanax and vodka chaser.

We stood in line to see Santa for about thirty minutes, which in "kid time" is two years. During this time we managed to see one child swinging from a giant plastic reindeer tail. Plastic is NOT a durable alloy and eventually the tail broke and the child was flung into the line of patiently waiting children. The kid wouldn't stop crying, his mother grabbed him by the hand and left the line. One down... 15 more to go. We were getting closer to Santa.

Later, an adorable set of twins was handed over to Santa. How precious! Until they realized a crazed man with a long white beard was now holding them. I still have nightmares where I hear sirens wailing loudly chasing me through a mall. Santa promptly handed them back. Two more down... we're just a few feet away from Santa!

Tommy was next. I have no idea who Tommy was, but everyone in line knew his name because he was constantly jumping around, flicking the other kids and whining. His mother had repeated his name so much we were all starting to join in... "Stop kicking the tree Tommy" "Stop biting her Tommy" "Don't eat that Tommy". We were all growing tired of Tommy.

So it was Tommy's turn on Santa's lap. Tommy sat down and immediately started pulling Santa's beard. "What do you want for Christmas?" Santa smiled and said as he removed Tommy's sticky fingers from his beard. Tommy wasn't paying attention, he turned to the Elf, which in this case was a small person (you know I love midget stories). "Why is he so short?" Tommy yelled. Santa tried to distract Tommy and asked "Would you like a toy car?" Tommy was still interested in the Elf "MOMMY! What's wrong with him? He looks funny!" Tommy's embarrassed mother tried to hurry him along, "Please tell Santa what you want dear."

What none of us noticed during this time was that the "Elf's" face was slowly getting redder as he became more angry at Tommy, who was probably one of the many children who had annoyed the Elf that week. All of a sudden the Elf sprung over Santa's chair and landed on top of Tommy slapping and spitting as he cursed at the top of his lungs. Santa fell out of his chair. Tommy's mother managed to get him away from the rabid Elf and mall security showed up. The Elf was taken off in hand cuffs. We found out later he was on work release from the local jail and had just recently completed his "anger management" classes.

So if you take your kids to the mall and you see an Elf there with a special twinkle in his eye, just remember that the twinkle may not be Christmas cheer, it may be the twinkle of a mentally unstable Elf who had too many rum and cokes at lunch.

Happy Holidays!

I Can't Feel My Feet

2005-11-19T22:02:00.000-06:00

Last week, it was 80 degrees here. This week we have highs in the 40's and lows in the 20's. There should be no place on earth that this occurs naturally unless there's a plague or an atomic bomb has altered the weather.

One day I'm wearing flip-flops, the air conditioning is on and the chocolate I left in my car is melting and the next day... WHAT?! Where is my coat and why isn't the heat working? If you've ever seen the "Rankin Bass" Christmas show that has the "Heat Miser" *Sunnee sings "I'm Mr. Heat Miser... I'm Mr. Sun... something something one hundred and one* I'm pretty sure he's behind this weather!

Yes, it's either the Heat Miser, Satan or the guy who invented cell phone batteries that get hot after you've been holding the phone to your head for a while.

Fun With Food

2005-10-11T23:06:00.000-05:00

With the holidays approaching, I thought I would share these with you. Be assured that you will not be able to gorge yourself on holiday treats if you keep these photos in mind.

www.amalah.com/photos/the_company_cookbook/index.html

www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/spec.html

P.S. Thanks to Mythots for sharing these.

Look At Me! Look At Me!

2005-09-24T15:43:00.000-05:00

Why do all utility service workers look like either a shifty-eyed stalker or an overweight trucker? I have yet to see the hot utility worker.

I bring this up because I recently had a gas leak at my house and I got the shifty-eyed stalker dude. He couldn't look at me while he was explaining where the leak was and what caused it. His eyes darted wildly back and forth to my shoulder, the floor, my shin, the ceiling, my ankle.... you get the picture. I think it would be safe to say I could have committed a crime and he would never be able to describe me to the police.

I kept thinking this is probably not the kind of guy that needs to be working with dangerous utilities, but... meh... what do I know about the hiring practices of the gas company? Maybe they get the shifty-eyed guys because they don't spend a lot of time chit-chatting with the customers. Maybe it's all an act. Perhaps they are assigned borderline psychotic behavior traits everyday as they are handed their assignments. Toby! Today you are lick-your-lips-alot-and-stare-at-her-chest guy! Don, you're the walk-with-a-limp-and-smell-like-onions guy. It was the luck of the draw. My repair guy drew "shifty-eyes" out of the hat.

Eventually, he fixed the leak and I got him out of the house. But I swear as he was backing out of the driveway he stared straight at me and laughed hysterically.

What's Behind That Curtain?

2005-09-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

I sent an e-mail to a movie studio. I was trying to get an address for a friend to mail something to a director. Here's the actual e-mail and the responses i got...

ME: What is the mailing address of director Don Mancini?

THE STUDIO: We can not disclose information about clients or employees.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

ME: Thank you for your reply, I appreciate the response. I understand the need for confidentiality in your business. Can I send a letter to Don Mancini in care of your company? And if so, what is your company address?

THE STUDIO: We can not disclose our address via email. Please visit the director's webpage or fan club for submission information.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

ME: LOL You must have a lot of top secret stuff going on there if you can't give out the studio address! Even the Pentagon gives out it's mailing address. Tell Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis and the aliens you're hiding at the studio I said "Hi!".

Dorktards.

OUCH!

2005-08-17T12:38:00.000-05:00

Did you ever drive past a wreck and you really don't want to stare, but you do anyway? This website is something like that... http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf If she gets stuck, move her with your mouse pointer.

At first I cringed at the painful way she would land, legs askew, neck bending at odd angles. But then (evil laugh) I had to see how many weird positions she could make. She got stuck on my pointer a few times and I shook her until her little animated limbs looked like they would fall off and then I flung her into the vastness of Bubbleworld.

Normally, I'm not this evil in real life. But anybody who lives in Bubbleworld, where there is no furniture, no chocolate, no entertainment and only wears a bikini during what is obviously Bubbleworld winter should be smacked around sometimes.

Enjoy.

*Disclaimer - Once again, while being quite amused at the bizarre Bubbleworld animatee and her situation, Sunnee does not condone violence against anyone living or dead, male or female, smoker or non-smoker, blah blah blah...

Suzie Hurley Can't Dance

2005-08-10T13:47:00.000-05:00

When I was younger I had a friend named Suzie Hurley. Suzie was one of those kids that you could never pick out on a crowded playground. She had mousy brown hair and a little nose that was actually cute, but that fact tended to be lost in the averageness that was Suzie.

When Suzie was four she was run over by a group of older boys who had a "big wheel" gang. They would line their big wheels up at the top of the hill on Cypress Street and race each other downhill at blazing speeds (that is, in official big wheel speed about 5 mph) and all come to a grinding halt at the bottom of the hill. One day Suzie decided to tempt fate and crossed the street just as the boys were hitting maximum velocity. Any of you who have owned big wheels know that there is no emergency brake on the vehicle (although that fancy hand brake thingy is great for spinouts!). Poor Suzie, she was literally flung into the air by Buster Willis and his boss big wheel. As she lay in the street bleeding from the scratches sustained in the accident, the boys walked past her back up the hill to start another race. No one said anything to Suzie. I don't think they ever saw her. She basically spent her entire childhood like this. Invisible.

Many years passed and with a sound of trumpets the boobie fairy arrived! Suddenly Suzie was blessed with much boobatude. The rest of us were stuffing our bras and envious of Suzie and the attention the boys were giving her now. The invisible girl was now becoming the school slut. People whispered low to each other about Suzie's time spent behind the bleachers and how she snuck out at night to meet the older boys. Suzie was extremely popular and we were all a little sad that we were "second choice".

My friend Janie always had a way of putting things into perspective. She said, "Sure, Suzie is popular with the boys, but Suzie Hurley can't dance." I didn't quite understand what she was saying. "What?", I asked. "Suzie Hurley can't dance.", she repeated. Then explained, "Anybody can have sex, it's not that difficult, but how many people do you know that can really dance?" Janie had won a dance competition recently and was still basking in the glow of triumph. For some reason this logic struck me as funny, but deep. Even as an adult I still think of all the Suzie Hurleys in this world and how just because someone seems to have something you want, maybe there's something you can do that's even better. We all have something that makes us special. So any time you feel down about yourself, just remember that you probably have something that someone else secretly wants, and don't forget, "Suzie Hurley can't dance".

P.S. Janie became a professional hooker later on in life. Apparently, just being a better dancer than Suzie wasn't enough, she had to be better slut too.

The Martians Are Coming

2005-07-29T10:33:00.000-05:00

The "War of the Worlds" movie is out, but who is going to it? I haven't heard any of my friends discussing it. I think the movie would have been much more popular if Tom Cruise hadn't gone completely off the deep end. Now I try to respect everyone and their "religious" beliefs, but geez Tom, you're weird.

Poor little Katie Holmes. Everyone that knows her speaks of her in the past tense as if she's dead. Katie was smart, she was pretty, she had her whole acting career ahead of her. With her own movie in theaters currently she should be sitting on top of the starlet world. But alas, there's Tom, dragging her into his robotic zombie world, all neatly planned and directed by the Church of Scientology. If Tom Cruise were a bus, Katie would be lying flat on the street wondering what hit her.

Katie was wooed into the Scientology "cult" slowly. A nice dinner with the group. Some spiritual advice. Someone offering her direction. All quaint and lovely at first, but then, the brainwashing began. Katie turned away from her old friends and made a new "best friend" Jessica Rodriguez. As Katie's new best friend, Jessica takes it upon herself to go to promotional film interviews with Katie and answer questions for her. Apparently Katie can't think for herself anymore.

So what kind of love stifles a beautiful young woman like this? How does Tom profess his love of Katie while ruining her career? Is this healthy? No. Tom is using the poor girl and she is too conditioned to realize it. I'm thinking of planning some kind of intervention for Katie. Perhaps we could show her what we see. Maybe we can break through the hold Scientology has on this innocent woman. Or maybe, there's no chance of going up against a force like Tom, Jessica and Scientology? Who knows? All I can tell you is if you see the Martians coming, or Tom Cruise and the "church", run like hell before you become a love zombie like Katie.

Freakin' Weather

2005-01-25T15:58:00.000-06:00

So I'm thinking about how much the weather sucks right now and being the thoughtful person that I am, I think it must suck for everyone. Is there any place in the United States that hasn't seen ungodly weather this year? It's cold in the south, it's raining and snowing in the west and don't even get me started about the eastern and central states. I can't help but wonder "Why is this happening?!?!"

And then it occurred to me, no one had pointed it out yet, oh sure, I heard the "global warming theory" and the "solar flare theory" but not one person had hit upon the idea that suddenly seemed all too real to me. Midget farting. Yes! Surely this must be the answer!

Ever notice how you only see midgets occasionally? Know why? Because they all live on a methane farm in North Dakota! The midgets roam free on the methane farm and produce this nation's largest output of methane gas. Oh, it takes a lot of grain and cabbage to fuel the little suckers, but the payoff is tremendous! Methane farmers harvest the output and sell it to the gas companies. Then it is processed and used in our homes for heating and cooking.

So next time you complain about the freakin' weather, just whip up a good meal on your gas stove and remember the midgets... bad for the weather, good for chicken casseroles!

Observations

2005-01-18T15:26:00.000-06:00

My shoes are too tight. I think I should have worn another pair today.

The phone is driving me crazy. A few minutes ago it rang and instead of my usual customary greeting, I said "Hell"... the chick on the other end didn't miss a beat and launched into her complaint about the copier. Do people listen to me?

I'm thinking of taking all the paper on my desk to the forest and setting it free. Why should we all suffer?

Festive Holiday Dining Tips

2004-12-15T13:58:00.000-06:00

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry,January is just around the corner.

Massacre At The OK Food Store

2004-12-06T15:32:00.000-06:00

so i decided to go buy some chips and various grocery items this weekend. first, it took me 15 minutes to find my car keys. WHO THE F#%& KEEPS HIDING MY KEYS??? a very interesting question since i live alone. it must be the dogs. AHA!!! i find the keys in the front door lock right where i left them. lucky for me there are no serial killers around checking out doors with keys in them.

so i drive to the "OK Food Store" and i'm thinking "why is it just OK?" "where are they keeping the SUPER TERRIFIC Food Store?" must be some government plot to keep me from getting the freshest fruits and vegetables. i get in the store and of course it never fails that i get the cart with the wobbly squeaky wheel. it wouldn't bother me so much, but everyone looks at me like it's my fault that this whiney noise is happening. i've decided to mask the attention the sound is getting by farting everytime someone looks at me with distain because of the squeaky wheel. that will teach 'em.

did i mention my favorite parts of the store are the product displays that are stacked really abnormally high and seem to make the game jenga look way too easy when compared to trying to remove something from the towering store death displays?

i really need one of those three liter bottles of coke. i mean REAAAALLLY need it. so i'm looking up at this display which has been shaped into a twelve foot pyramid of coke. quite artful and yet delicately poised to take out the first old gray-haired lady who dares to touch it. should i try? well, like i said, i REAAAALLLY need this and i'm not letting the wall of death stop me. so like a trained structural engineer i walk around the display looking for the perfect bottle, the one that doesn't seem to be supporting much weight. this one? no, it appears to be a load bearing bottle. hmmm... i think i've found one. i slowly and gently pull out one of the bottles. the pyramid stands still. with one last tiny tug the bottle is free! i feel like dancing around. i hold my coke bottle high in the air and do a victory dance! some woman stops to watch me... and then.... we both notice it at the same time. a bottle slowly moves as if by it's own power and seems to LEAP out of the stack of death!!! ALL THE BOTTLES START CRASHING DOWN!!! FIZZY SPRAY IS GOING EVERYWHERE!!! BOTTLES ARE BOUNCING WILLY NILLY!!! THE LADY AND I DUCK FOR COVER!!! and as the last bottle falls, she looks at me and says, "Well, somebody needs to clean that up." I stared at her with my mouth open, thought about how close we came to death... then i composed myself and held my head up high, grabbed my squeaky buggy, farted and walked off.

THANKSGIVING

2004-11-17T10:35:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving, with your dead turkey and cranberry sauce.
you make me want to puke.

Thanksgiving, with your stupid family get togethers.
you make me want to stick meat forks in aunt rose's big hair.

Thanksgiving, with your endless commercials during the game.
you make me want to drop kick the viagra guy.

Thanksgiving, with your desserts and pies.
oh wait, was that cheesecake?

HALLOWEEN

2004-11-17T10:34:00.000-06:00

Halloween, I mock thee
with thy fake pumpkins
and plastic black bats

Halloween, with your
cute pink witches
and bedsheet ghosts

Sticky candy bars
stuck to the bottom
of my candy bag

Fuzzy tootsie rolls
clinging tightly
to the smarties

And the neighborhood boys
with their toilet paper
and shaving cream

Candy corn is the treat of hell
and of dentists
who want my money

Halloween, I mock thee
and I also claim thee
as a business expense

SNOW

2004-11-17T10:32:00.000-06:00

SNOW

*rolls across the stage draped in a black veil*

*stands up slowly*

i am snow.

*holds up a feathered mask in front of her face*

some people think i am beautiful.

*drops the mask and reveals a hideous twisted face*

but the beauty is only on the outside.

*prop lightning bolts fly overhead*

*screams*

*rumbling noises*

i am death in a white coat.

THE END

LUVERNE

2004-11-17T10:22:00.000-06:00

Luverne wiped off the counter after dinner. Her hair pulled neatly back and a cigarette hanging from her lips. Grape juice stains!!! Somehow they have a way of never coming out of anything. She scrubbed away at the old stain dropping tiny bits of cigarette ash here and there.

"I picked up the dry-cleaning today. It's in the bedroom." she said to Hank as she continued scrubbing.

"Mmmmm." said Hank half heartedly.

Luverne poured some cleanser on the stain and continued working. A little bead of sweat formed on her forehead. She brushed it with the back of her hand.

"I bought those frozen burritos you like. They are in the fridge." Luverne added.

"Mmmmm." Hank nodded absently.

Luverne rinsed off the counter and dried her hands. Picking up her car keys she walked towards the door.

"Scissors are in the Volvo" she said as she walked out and closed the door.

"MMMMMM!!!" Hank uttered.

And with that, he wondered exactly how long it would take him to get to the Volvo with his hands and feet tied together, not to mention, removing the duct tape over his mouth.

Fall Performance Art

2004-11-17T10:17:00.000-06:00

sunnee walks on stage... a tree stands in the middle of the stage.

sunnee: Oh Fall!!! Beautiful and yet full of death.

*sunnee runs around the tree... looks dramatically to the left and then the right*

"Do you hear that?"

"It is the sound of death approaching."

*Wind whistles through the tree and grows stronger*

*sunnee carries a leaf blower over to the tree*

"And I... the cemetary worker that cleans the remains of your vile harsh act."

*The air grows colder*

*sunnee puts on a sweater and her comfy shoes... and shivers*

"Damn you for making me look like Mr. Rogers!"

*a tiny train runs across the stage*

"If only it were make-believe."

"Then the gas bill wouldn't be so high."

THE END

Looking For Something Squishy

2004-11-15T15:22:00.000-06:00

so i'm sitting here thinking "this chair is really uncomfortable, i need something squishy to put behind my back". any suggestions on squishy items i could use?